I Only Exist On The Internet

by H.W.

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released July 31, 2014

Mainly mixed by: DJ Benny (djbenny.bandcamp.com)
All Lyrics by: H.W.
Beats by various people.




H.W. Boston

I love to rap and complain.
I love to perform.
I want to see your face in the crowd.
Lets hug it out, lets get along.

contact / help

Contact H.W.

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Track Name: To The One's That Never Made It. (Including Myself).
I hold a lamp close to the painting
observe the brush strokes
in tune so I know the world has a bigger role
I'm slow to show positive in fear it loses it's gold
shine only lasts longer then the tar on roads
I'm closing in my tongue is salivating
been standing at the station stop since i wrote my first bar
and it's only growing steady winds are heavy when blown
I miss a few chance meetings but I'm still in control
I wanted you know that I dig common feedback
if I thought you didn't care I would've fell into a relapse
and so again I'm asking your opinion
is it the man you admire or the words he delivers
shivers every whisper caught that I changed a life
I feel more right then wrong with each song here tonight
memories shift further in the right direction
If I made a connection it was cause you really listened
often gift wrap the syntax brought on by pain
I'm too personal already but I'll share my real name
it's Josh nice to meet so glad you came here
I wanna analyze the reasons that I live In fear
it started off when I got scared giving public speaking
now I'm lost in thought each night stage speakers bleeding
I feel my mother showed me the best options we had
even though she never comes to shows she don't like rap
she hates that I've wasted my years
I can't really blame I've cried enough tears
my dad says I need a band
my friends say I need demand
I'm just sharing truth with you
understand who I am
Track Name: Admiration
I'm being honest I admire all kinfolk
Who go broke on their dreams while I'm letting go
No need for tolls I exposed all insults and use the abuse as a rule just to slow down
Dads so proud but see he only understands what he sees from the crowd on stage
I'm so damn nervous
train wreck status
Trying hard to imagine what it's like to get paid rapping
shit will never happen
that's like waking from a coma and finding all the good isn't over
that life is alright
And maybe it was meant to happen
Yeah right, tragedy is such a chain reaction
I make mistakes words don't take gently
friends say they're gonna call but never tempt me
And so I mix irony and anger with a sad pinch passion poke holes thru the map and start drawing out canvas
Is it true what you say about your girlfriends
Yes and no all angles are a nuisance
To display what I say inside of two cents
small short dense of what notes that I recollect
like take girl number twenty two
She was so cool arguments about medicines I overused
How I'm just not who I am in rap
well the caption is a fraction of the madness that I'm capturing
Ain't shit changed but a number and a hair style
Which girl got running me down the aisle
And for awhile all I wanted was a piece of mind tied to a metronome dangling my insides
It's hard to fight feelings that I'm leaving all my friends behind
dust settles thick each mountain that I have to climb
keeps me repeating what you say in my presence
I barely remember what my name is
To the many texts sent with the feeling that I'm giving up
two shoulder shrugs arms wrapped around giving hugs
I want to thank you,
I'm don't know how
But understand all I want is you to smile
I take sadness turn into a song notes
feelings pressure lungs filled go home
It's the only road that I know
so I share what I have wrote with you
I hope you feel it too
Track Name: Time.
I keep change in my pockets
waiting on the day that the topic is how do you stop this
wake early make coffee call friends and complain that my life's near end
I can't face feeling near 30 years old and not a day goes by that I challenge the question to why
like why am I built to exist in a world unequipped with the proper procedure on guilt trips
lose sleep over songs that I still need to finish cause nobody cares that I'm losing it
I use words to escape from the pain that I sought during teenage days
It's hard to express my opinion to people that I care about without dealing pain via word of mouth
i feel lost more need for a hug, less push more shove see my outputs fucked
kept moving on someday someone might take songs and relate in the best way
And some kids caught on to my music
I still lose it when I see fans move lips
like you know each lyric
sing along
no matter what the world tells you, we're not alone
with each song I explore more surface the space I create makes a place for my purpose

what role in life does the poet play
we write life's shame we hope you relate
The clock ticks till death takes notice
count scars no rest for the hopeless
I've got dreams that scream for escape
still I'm stuck in the same sad space
take a second listen close I'm ashamed
if I fail, there's nobody but me to blame

With each stroke on my keyboard made
I display my internal frustration with brittle age
play frames each scene takes place
in dreams that escape me I can't find my name
where to go what to do right now
Can't crawl back home and escape somehow
build walls with the bills I ignore on the floor
if I opened a few that makes way for a few more
so I leave when morning is over
and wait for existence to lend some closure
call mom when I'm sober
and see if she gets it yet, why I won't turn over
voicemails tell tales that my deathbed won't be made till I clear my head
from songs of hope, life's certain
to believe that I should be nervous
my forethought to going on stage is man I hope they understand what I'm saying
I went in with the notion that all is occurring around keeps my ego surging
I only got two ways to approach you and one is displaying my view of this world
the other deep undercover kept hidden
cause I can't let everyone in

I swear to god by the time that I'm famous
I'll quit writing songs for my shear entertainment
build something more stable to relate to
or write more words in a tone that will breakthrough
waking up on my best friends couch
tells more about my life, loves in a drought
why continue when I doubt each lyric that I drips out my mouth
man I just can't figure out
where I went wrong, I was kid
when I started out decided that I more to talk about
I used to sit in bedroom and argue with the walls
man they knew what to say when the time called
my childhood was good minus arguments I would listen to my parents sling dirt in the neighborhood
young but understood why money ruins lives I never want to fight about a currency in this life
known for lashing out little known secret I give all I have and I hope that you keep it
the scratch post kittens like to leave all alone
write songs some people use as psalms
when I'm gone turn the page on history
there's very little chance that the world will remember me
so ancient, and still so patience
the proper foundation to all that is makeshift
Track Name: Song For The Broke.
My savings stays within the single digits steadily
I heavily relate to those whose debits wear heredity down
I search for relevance in post modern warfare
And choose my actions unaware
I sip and stare
At the monsters making noise within my bedroom
If only they could see what joy can bring to my final tomb
Destinations mapped with chalk upon a sidewalk
And every night children wash away what I ignore
I'm better off as a ghost just a figment in this wormhole
Told as a story to your friends when your alone
The phone prays for my forgiveness forced at entry point
If only you had listened when I said that these broken barriers annoy
Me I'm sorry if I caused you any pain in separating
Pain from this anguish of fractured state
My albums stillborn date builds anticipation breaking on my dire need to make another song from a cuss-word

Goodbye to cliches hello to trying
To find that silence no one admires
I'll be alright just close my eyelids
And think positivity is all my life is

If making money from the habits I've developed
Is the reason that my feelings keep grasping at the neck up
Then guess what I'm gonna die a lonely death blessed
with thoughts inside my head of bleeding hearts within my bed
She said to take whatever makes me feel developed
That humans on a whole consider doing what they love but instead they take to fleeing floating images of sympathy
inside their dreams the only place for their offering
I've slept on floors made from sweat inducing death stretched dollars into change of direction left my nest
for the harsh hoarse hell known to the many as their home base
I reap what has made me jade and ivory decayed
The streets are littered with ideas nobody caught on
Instead we spend our money saving coupons from Groupon
Murals bleed to live a better purpose in imagination
Instead it's click goes jersey shore at 8pm
Track Name: The Past No Longer Haunts Me.
I'm delving deeper in my self esteem
Dreaming of a moment when I'm free and thoughts will only speak of clarity
Apparently the people don't get it
Setting stages into corners for my therapy sessions bet
I'm underfunded in a population growing by the seconds
Where making effort isn't best perfected
I wish appearance didn't matter to the millions who don't listen to a word I've written all will be forgiven when I've giving up
Dreams are for the fools who think that someone out there really is considerate
And reading all the lyrics spit
And that's it I'm shifting gears within my goals
pressing fast forward, clicking posts and checking what I'm in for
Songs within a subject mattered less because I've left there long ago
there's nothing left to play the role
My jeans are tight and so the rappers tend to get upset and stare within my crotch space
complain about it to their friends
But in the end I'm comfortable within my skin and just because your insecure doesn't mean I need to give a shit
Or maybe I should educate the few who need a better social cue about what being rude really is
but instead
ill separate myself from them and ride my bike home I hope the show was everything and more
For the people that applauded left a scribble address upon my mailing list I hope you understand
It hurts when you delete me from your life
I guess my songs are less enticing then you saw me at a venue live
Or grew a little bit and realize that wasting time on someone who can't love you wasn't worth the sweat spent
Man I get it
I chased a ton of women with attention and when they left I wrote song for them but never did they listen to a single word and then it all occurred
Live your days like it's for you and never let it get disturbed
Now I'm happier a little better off at least I tell myself that
and try stay away from stray traps
that I set myself my fingers hurt from pushing buttons
trying harder for discussions of bigger importance
Abort ship we got a live one captain
I'm better off alone then ever changing other people's actions
I needed feeling lost financially unstable to appreciate the air I breath the gift that I was given
This is the only thing that gave my solace
penned hope a million times in rhyme form and now the storm is gone
Grateful for appreciative friends who shown me goals are worth the efforts I've invested that I'm better then my credit rating states
I'm complicated boringly such basis makes the pain sip faster down my throat
I feel lost without an anchor I want to change the world
but I'm distracted by the characters within this chapter
What does the world hold where do I go from here
The futures blurry holding railing in the dark till I'm crystal clear
Call me friend call me anything just call me up and we can do lunch
Swap stories of our mistrust
You think you know the lines between the story cause you read my lyrics miss
There's so much within the margin that you missed
Just a pinch
I insist

Track Name: Memoir.
Dark clouds always follow me honest wish they'd back off
reading pen drip on my notebook I'm lost
typecast as a halo feel closed in
watching doors for the moment they open
I was the chosen, little did they notice
I force feed happiness until my throat closes
I can't help but lay hours in bed
still awake pouring over letters I read
it said: believe in desire
your time is coming up and you need to be inspired
yeah right, I lay alone bedside
calling on the monsters in the closet to kill me tonight
reading what I write by the moonlit streets
we're always in company but hardly speak
my outlook on this choice is bleak but
I know how you needed to leave

I hear the hairs on the back of my neck say with great pride
your gonna do here this is your life
I feel more alone with each song that I write
waste away with me tonight

Here's to core of the issues I'm invested in
Sediments of flower beds dirt tangled underneath my skin
Where to begin late nights riding shotgun
until we watched the dawn come upon us
Ne'er did I lose trust in us
Discussed leaving bay state for a better place baby where'd you stay
Today was day 3 your lips never leave
I keep saying that its all just a dream
feet feel planted my legs want to roam 
see I still smell your scent where I call my home
Let down again, believe it gets better
Friends say I need a change of the weather
See the stars are always darkened on my doors step
Argue by the moonlight Vent for a chance to see the sunset
door locked and the phone stays silent
No more middle ground for my environment
Quiet as I write this maybe you will get it
Change the outcome of interference
your kiss is only memories
Exit strategy be alone
Write songs about the outcome within this hell hole
Events stay crisp my heart skips steps death stays knocking inside my head
Its all in the message you said
I don't know what love is now and so I'm infected
I wanted park bench chats laying in your arms length wise just to breath in your trap
and there I'd find rest, there I'd find you
sing songs till my face turns blue
call mom to relay my news
of the girl with the sunshine eyes who'd knew
that I'd still miss walking up to an argument
we fought passion on sunlit door steps
I keep saying that I feel your kiss
its just that I don't get it
I can't remember bliss
Track Name: I'm Still Waiting.
Ive been waiting on my time
staring at the clouds in the sky
press play fast forward then rewind
not a thing seems to change so I'm
I'm still waiting
I'm still waiting

my dad likes to argue bout the government
a left leaning democrat with a gun fetish
I've gorwn patient with his interests
but lately I've been noticing the holes in his plot twists
test the gas pedal, heavy metal
I crashed my grandpas car the month that he let go
I cried for hours in the street that night
called my mother I couldn't let her know I died
working dead end jobs
that pay top dollar to this slob is so odd
balled out of control when I was 21
spent each cent in my bank on the coming sun
yo moon, let me holla for a few
I know I got problems and real shit attitude
but the crowd, I can move
with each new song I relate to the problems of the world

with each person that I meet
I'm too focused on which words that I leak
my breath feels heavy
probably the reason that I can't find sleep in this entry
please don't tempt me
I know how to form poetry to make the world feel ugly
women love me, but never in love
so each path that I cross I stay uninvolved
I've a couple skeletons up on my wall
I need to clean my room before next fall
I've got another train to catch y'all
Ill be back just as soon as I learn how to break the mold
my thoughts feel old I wanted more
But I lost the keys now been in cruise control
It's all I have please take my soul
make good use of it, please take me home
Track Name: Detention.
When I rap I feel my soul uplifted
turntables and a mic yeah the kids been gifted
I write songs about myself some narcissistic
but it's all truth every word that I’ve written
listen to the sound can't help if I'm on point
my flows are spectacular my views flip coins
dopes not the right term I'm building a buzz
ask around my neighborhood they used to know who I was
a small timid kid I was into cartoons and spiderman
grew a little bigger now its kick-flips and bike stands
I get emails saying that I'm inspirational
all I ever wanted was to scrap by on current bills
make a living kid you’re living fantasy
I've rocked 5 tours and 2 of them internationally
I mean a gained a few fans shook even more hands
got myself freed from the shackles of anxious chants
your gonna be nothing stop wasting time here
I was in Canada arguing about the year
if fame is knocking best believe I'm gonna answer it
I'm sick of passing up any chance of establishment
don't get bent I'm gonna rep to the fullest
push problems like it's alcohol bottom down doofus
it's so useless trying be somebody else
son catch at the merchant booth raising some hell
talking smack on the message-boards acting a fool
too rude for teacher everyday after school
you could find me in dentition reading history books
so shook from the glares that high girls took
started writing rhymes when I couldn't produce looks
and now I turn down women that want me for rap antics

like, peace.
I got a girl at home I gotta leave.
Track Name: Built By Dreams.
I wanna blow up everything about this is so nuts
driving round the town with Ill rappers what
I came share stories from some caught wreck tonight
me I slept on the floor money in my pocket, right
iv been broke since I was sophomore
girls slam doors cause of passions I wouldn't ignore
and that's the cause to effect spending my rent
on merchandise I hope at least to sell one shirt tonight
it's so hard to be an artist when your starving
I work 60+ hours a week it's retarded
I've spent more time on a stage then I do with friends
just to be specific more driving dead broke and
everything I thought this world I’ve known has surprised me
overanalyze the reasons run along the beachside
the world tests me best believe I'll pass still
make sure I have money for the tank to be filled

we break bread with the ones above our heads
take trips just to share a thought instead
I just want you to listen
maybe I'll find what's been missing

I think its such a gimmick when you say you like to freestyle
most emcees spit writtens in a cypher crowd
I couldn't tell if you were being genuine when you asked
how's it feel to be famous to know everyone in the scene
I retort back basically it's like a small dream
cause the truth not many give a shit about these
thoughts occurring in my mind take time and you'll find
that relaxing on concrete is good for the insides
I wish I had the skills to believe in myself
keep pressing fast toward when I need to run from hell
verify my life dreams keep cropping on the storyboard
will I break free from the threat of this cold I don't know
desolate and cold often are descriptions
but it's funny cause when I talk most people listen
my bet friends keep telling me I'm on a blow soon
but all I keep seeing are these four next to the recording booth
Track Name: Barely Amused.
I'm just seeing where fit in
Between bus rides that call for my dividends
Wheres the right track mom said to be on point when I want to make a statement in life
Well alright my bike rolls down cobble stone blocks and one day I'm a get up on this rooftop
And sign proud that I still have heart to continue when all I want to do with my life is stop
Indecision’s mark miles on my lifeline fuck it I'm better then my high school budget
I write songs when depression kicks in lend a hand cause I need help to push on through
To the next few who think raps cool but just a hobby I meant to keep you waiting in lobby
I can't seem to find to time to express my disinterest in people who neglect to accept me
Been blessed with friends who need a shout out
What up Diesel I see you in crowd now
Some wanna be down me I skip semesters life's jesters even when I'm sad still
Did I mention attention made me do this
I ruin every good kiss with a laughter like this
Ha I can't imagine any girl being down with the real me pressure makes skills dull still
When you find joy building on those Lego blocks let go
Don't force it revel in the moment
Or moments
Man I'm still finding happiness in keystrokes coping with anxiety issues
I see through facades built guilted into leaving it alone still
Stones gather moss when your on your own
Steam mom says I never call that's because we don't understand each other at all
But I appreciate my family for the talents that have landed me here
OR at least to be so outspoken
I write poems causing ripples in the ocean looking for some sort potion with an antidote to sort out
Simple tasks like procrastination
I waste time evaluating thoughts I scribbled in my notebooks
Got a couple albums that are overdue to an insistence of a reason other then expressing feelings
I've been reeling from depression
Learning that a little bit happiness downgrades aggression
My words are open thought giving what I got left
Stitching back together memories of my what hearts kept

There's no two ways about it
I dabble with my doubts
Situational depression let the sun out
Seek more explore your surroundings
For you never know what's jut around the corner from your bus stop
You could find a pretty palace
Haggle with landlord
Learn that living less is almost always more
It took awhile for excitement
But I noticed Fighting for attention from the women
Isn’t what's always gonna be let her leave if it's meant to build roots
It will it shouldn't take the strength of your will power
I was coward when I move here
My path isn't clear yet
The white picket fence is a damn mess
And maybe this is all ill really get
Messages from exes that they never meant to leave yet
They stay gone
Im better off anyway
Dismantling the reasons that I live the lies I do today
Here's to poor folks dead broke rent gone
Trying to decide what path they need to move along
My theory on poverty is this
If you got love in your heart you better than the 99 percent existing
Isn't it a trip to see your friends just coexist with people that don't give a shit about feelings other then their own 2 cents shared
well I do, that's why write songs about me and only share the truth
In my youth I used think that every girl I ever dated was the best that I could get so when the complications came and I should've left I stayed press on, I admit now that process is probably wrong
Track Name: Another World.
The way I move words keeps listeners
goals that I set get met with a grimace
isn't it odd that I can't make rent being fed funds
furthers my goal for a new sing along
friends think fate is the reason that I don't quit
I live for love I wallow in my fits
self esteem sleeper
cell phone screamer
the heart beats eager for a meager meal
so why did I come to this basement
I'm 5 years older than most of the patrons
my teen years kept most fears at a slow pace
I didn't drink till well past the due date
the experience of bathroom peering and finding yourself ass naked near a toilet is
something I avoided probably for good measure
but I still need closure
so since I avoided all forms of what some call fun
im in a basement
staring at sludge
trying to shift from the pitched noises
that my Dj would somehow have learned to flip
I can't see 5 feet in front of me
the rooms so crowded with smoke filled lungs
while some start tumbling
I find stress on a couch, I'm surrounded by strangers I need to get out
anxiety attack on time what's next
build a big deal about the situation in your head
if I die here god or whoever is in charge, please bury my belongings in the back yard
I should be at home
recording new vocals
instead of this appearance in another world
local I'm a joke in my own mind based on impressions from friends I pretend to obtain in the industry
all of these thoughts at the forefront
Notch carved on determination and dumb luck
so why am I still such a loner in this lost world
I welcome change in the form of a girl
moved from a city that forgot what it means to build a foundation on your dreams while means don't meet the end
I stand with friends pretend that somehow rap music will be there.

(But It Won't)
Track Name: Black Haired Beauty (Featuring Mercy Bell)
I see little white lies in your eyelids
Letters written in your skin that I'm accustomed to
Why fight it
Cause It's not enough to give in to the lust from a friend
That's been up to this point so honest
Atleast so Modest I mean that
Your outline is a measurement of time lapsed
I fall back to where we use to be
To believe I could change all the little things in you and me
Can't see what what's all about now
Clouds hover too proud some figure out how
Which road to grow down but
I'm still lost
Last kiss still sealed with a finger crossed
I saw beauty in your company
You saw escape in the air that we breath
Inhale deep watch as the rain drops fall flat
Small sips big gasp

Oh, Oh, is this what you call falling
Oh, Oh, is this what you call danger
Oh, Oh, is this what you call madness
you say darling don't tow that line, if that's all there is to that.
Falling is fine

I only see sunshine in your morning breath
Turned fear Into wine washed down my regrets
The impression that your lips left
Intent spelled in my skin
Send damage my condolences
We don't speak like we used to
It's like dreams are at truce too
I just want what I had under moonlight sky
Retrace life
Maybe you are right and the formula is wrong
But I can't take your name from my songs
So say what you want for the last time
And I will let go
Pain is one syllable but it moves so slow
I had a hand forced gate closed run from your reason
Letters spelled out what's the meaning
Why so anxious
didn't you envision this honestly
Could you expect me to leave it alone

So roam if you need spread wing pretty bird
Let the sky be the canvas and paint with your words
I know a place where it's safe to let loose
my room keeps your memory a tomb
my heart sings subtle notes last time we spoke I was dead cold leaked a little more then I should yes I know
where you're heading
it's just an entrance
don't forget which way toward the exit
the strategy was reality
on bender knee knew the outcome no matter what the tragedy
I still hold close ghosts from our fortnight
formed a bitter bond with my own two hands
no need for the details anymore
I left a note on your floor till my nails became raw
if the light shines bright you can read outloud how a man fell for a gypsy
To the people in my past life
who couldn't come to the conclusion and give it a try
I dedicate the sweat I made during sessions to you
I wish you were still here to celebrate it too
so many knew, what I wanted to do
and each one of them perceived that I wasn't built for this. True, but
I sucked it up, flipped a couple jobs, hit the road and showed the crowd the reason that they should applaud
yes, I'm not famous by any means
I've got big dreams, swimming in a deeper stream
sometimes when you're drowning all alone is when you find hope
that little sliver to your self control
I remember driving avenue to park place
searching for your fine face, never did I find grace
they say she left the day I took off
and haven't heard a word since, she left me with this postcard
it said nobody's going get you like I did
we were playing games and you never understood it
and so I wished upon a shining star somewhere in the Midwest that my request gets met
people say I'm odd, too strange for my age range
crazy cause I feel the same way about your brainwaves
how do you maintain, day after day after shift after shift the same cycle of bullshit
10 years pass, I'm not going to reunions and explaining why my movement hasn't made an improvement
I hate what I'm doing except writing these damn songs
you know you're probably right we won't get along
looking back on each class interaction
I learn a little more about the person that I photographed
I never smile in pictures the only reason is I'm scared to, bad luck is my friend and he don't get the clues
that I'm happy makes my brain hurt moments when I'm laying by the park with my people no shirt
no socks, no connection to the world except your thoughts
exploring every crevice that you pick apart
I know my skills an art, painted on a canvas
learning through your word choice the next interaction
and I'm glad because people are so damn beautiful
and one day soon you're going learn the truth
but until then, find me on my bicycle
running every red lights dodging every obstacle
dying for the phone to display your name
it's ok, I've got some time left I can wait
Track Name: Walk With Me.
They keep saying, "home is where the heart is"
My heart is buried underneath elaborate forms of garments
tucked in between a rooster crowing in the morning
and a dog that stays silent during warning storms
morning when the day breaks, saints say "get up, let's make it"
"You've got a steady job and a beauty for the makeshift"
"I know the growing pains place blame on the landscape but damn"
"just take a look around I swear its ok"
"the girl you keep close holds quotes above her bed post"
"and in the morning well, you can see, she won't let go"
"afriad of telling her the realest thoughts that you've ever known"
"but hey, that's the way it goes"
living on the east coast, these folks know about the backroads
the small steps forward when it's snowing 10 degrees below
frozen in a flummox, choice chosen at the door
stay home and complain that its raining in the morning
I make complaints about my journey in the city
a lack of luxury, hear me jury
I'm used to being targets for pedestrians, angry on commute
dodging 4 wheels on my own 2
return to the scene for a clue where I went wrong
it happens to be falling fast asleep after dawn
I make small waves stay steady with the current
tides might bring a change and I'm nervous, please hear me out
I've been on a better path, learning more than I ever have before
using better math
clashing with the colors, leaving even less to rummage
but I swear to whoever that I'm honest
most want to say I'm obnoxious, what do they know
probably enough to write a book and get paid slow
I can't help reaching for the reason at the bottom of a bucket
I heard about the gold but where's the sun chips?
dear sister where art thou?