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I Only Exist On The Internet

by H.W.

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1.
I hold a lamp close to the painting observe the brush strokes in tune so I know the world has a bigger role I'm slow to show positive in fear it loses it's gold shine only lasts longer then the tar on roads I'm closing in my tongue is salivating been standing at the station stop since i wrote my first bar and it's only growing steady winds are heavy when blown I miss a few chance meetings but I'm still in control I wanted you know that I dig common feedback if I thought you didn't care I would've fell into a relapse and so again I'm asking your opinion is it the man you admire or the words he delivers shivers every whisper caught that I changed a life I feel more right then wrong with each song here tonight memories shift further in the right direction If I made a connection it was cause you really listened often gift wrap the syntax brought on by pain I'm too personal already but I'll share my real name it's Josh nice to meet so glad you came here I wanna analyze the reasons that I live In fear it started off when I got scared giving public speaking now I'm lost in thought each night stage speakers bleeding I feel my mother showed me the best options we had even though she never comes to shows she don't like rap she hates that I've wasted my years and well I can't really blame I've cried enough tears my dad says I need a band my friends say I need demand I'm just sharing truth with you understand who I am
2.
Admiration 02:02
I'm being honest I admire all kinfolk Who go broke on their dreams while I'm letting go No need for tolls I exposed all insults and use the abuse as a rule just to slow down Dads so proud but see he only understands what he sees from the crowd on stage I'm so damn nervous train wreck status Trying hard to imagine what it's like to get paid rapping shit will never happen that's like waking from a coma and finding all the good isn't over that life is alright And maybe it was meant to happen Yeah right, tragedy is such a chain reaction I make mistakes words don't take gently friends say they're gonna call but never tempt me And so I mix irony and anger with a sad pinch passion poke holes thru the map and start drawing out canvas Is it true what you say about your girlfriends Yes and no all angles are a nuisance To display what I say inside of two cents small short dense of what notes that I recollect like take girl number twenty two She was so cool arguments about medicines I overused How I'm just not who I am in rap well the caption is a fraction of the madness that I'm capturing Ain't shit changed but a number and a hair style Which girl got running me down the aisle And for awhile all I wanted was a piece of mind tied to a metronome dangling my insides It's hard to fight feelings that I'm leaving all my friends behind dust settles thick each mountain that I have to climb keeps me repeating what you say in my presence I barely remember what my name is To the many texts sent with the feeling that I'm giving up two shoulder shrugs arms wrapped around giving hugs I want to thank you, I'm don't know how But understand all I want is you to smile I take sadness turn into a song notes feelings pressure lungs filled go home It's the only road that I know so I share what I have wrote with you I hope you feel it too
3.
Time. 04:44
I keep change in my pockets waiting on the day that the topic is how do you stop this wake early make coffee call friends and complain that my life's near end I can't face feeling near 30 years old and not a day goes by that I challenge the question to why like why am I built to exist in a world unequipped with the proper procedure on guilt trips lose sleep over songs that I still need to finish cause nobody cares that I'm losing it I use words to escape from the pain that I sought during teenage days It's hard to express my opinion to people that I care about without dealing pain via word of mouth i feel lost more need for a hug, less push more shove see my outputs fucked kept moving on someday someone might take songs and relate in the best way And some kids caught on to my music I still lose it when I see fans move lips like you know each lyric sing along no matter what the world tells you, we're not alone with each song I explore more surface the space I create makes a place for my purpose (Chorus) what role in life does the poet play we write life's shame we hope you relate The clock ticks till death takes notice count scars no rest for the hopeless I've got dreams that scream for escape still I'm stuck in the same sad space take a second listen close I'm ashamed if I fail, there's nobody but me to blame With each stroke on my keyboard made I display my internal frustration with brittle age play frames each scene takes place in dreams that escape me I can't find my name where to go what to do right now Can't crawl back home and escape somehow build walls with the bills I ignore on the floor if I opened a few that makes way for a few more so I leave when morning is over and wait for existence to lend some closure call mom when I'm sober and see if she gets it yet, why I won't turn over voicemails tell tales that my deathbed won't be made till I clear my head from songs of hope, life's certain to believe that I should be nervous my forethought to going on stage is man I hope they understand what I'm saying I went in with the notion that all is occurring around keeps my ego surging I only got two ways to approach you and one is displaying my view of this world the other deep undercover kept hidden cause I can't let everyone in I swear to god by the time that I'm famous I'll quit writing songs for my shear entertainment build something more stable to relate to or write more words in a tone that will breakthrough waking up on my best friends couch tells more about my life, loves in a drought why continue when I doubt each lyric that I drips out my mouth man I just can't figure out where I went wrong, I was kid when I started out decided that I more to talk about I used to sit in bedroom and argue with the walls man they knew what to say when the time called my childhood was good minus arguments I would listen to my parents sling dirt in the neighborhood young but understood why money ruins lives I never want to fight about a currency in this life known for lashing out little known secret I give all I have and I hope that you keep it the scratch post kittens like to leave all alone write songs some people use as psalms when I'm gone turn the page on history there's very little chance that the world will remember me so ancient, and still so patience the proper foundation to all that is makeshift
4.
My savings stays within the single digits steadily I heavily relate to those whose debits wear heredity down I search for relevance in post modern warfare And choose my actions unaware I sip and stare At the monsters making noise within my bedroom If only they could see what joy can bring to my final tomb Destinations mapped with chalk upon a sidewalk And every night children wash away what I ignore I'm better off as a ghost just a figment in this wormhole Told as a story to your friends when your alone The phone prays for my forgiveness forced at entry point If only you had listened when I said that these broken barriers annoy Me I'm sorry if I caused you any pain in separating Pain from this anguish of fractured state My albums stillborn date builds anticipation breaking on my dire need to make another song from a cuss-word (Chorus) Goodbye to cliches hello to trying To find that silence no one admires I'll be alright just close my eyelids And think positivity is all my life is If making money from the habits I've developed Is the reason that my feelings keep grasping at the neck up Then guess what I'm gonna die a lonely death blessed with thoughts inside my head of bleeding hearts within my bed She said to take whatever makes me feel developed That humans on a whole consider doing what they love but instead they take to fleeing floating images of sympathy inside their dreams the only place for their offering I've slept on floors made from sweat inducing death stretched dollars into change of direction left my nest for the harsh hoarse hell known to the many as their home base I reap what has made me jade and ivory decayed The streets are littered with ideas nobody caught on Instead we spend our money saving coupons from Groupon Murals bleed to live a better purpose in imagination Instead it's click goes jersey shore at 8pm
5.
I'm delving deeper in my self esteem Dreaming of a moment when I'm free and thoughts will only speak of clarity Apparently the people don't get it Setting stages into corners for my therapy sessions bet I'm underfunded in a population growing by the seconds Where making effort isn't best perfected I wish appearance didn't matter to the millions who don't listen to a word I've written all will be forgiven when I've giving up Dreams are for the fools who think that someone out there really is considerate And reading all the lyrics spit And that's it I'm shifting gears within my goals pressing fast forward, clicking posts and checking what I'm in for Songs within a subject mattered less because I've left there long ago there's nothing left to play the role My jeans are tight and so the rappers tend to get upset and stare within my crotch space complain about it to their friends But in the end I'm comfortable within my skin and just because your insecure doesn't mean I need to give a shit Or maybe I should educate the few who need a better social cue about what being rude really is but instead ill separate myself from them and ride my bike home I hope the show was everything and more For the people that applauded left a scribble address upon my mailing list I hope you understand It hurts when you delete me from your life I guess my songs are less enticing then you saw me at a venue live Or grew a little bit and realize that wasting time on someone who can't love you wasn't worth the sweat spent Man I get it I chased a ton of women with attention and when they left I wrote song for them but never did they listen to a single word and then it all occurred Live your days like it's for you and never let it get disturbed Now I'm happier a little better off at least I tell myself that and try stay away from stray traps that I set myself my fingers hurt from pushing buttons trying harder for discussions of bigger importance Abort ship we got a live one captain I'm better off alone then ever changing other people's actions I needed feeling lost financially unstable to appreciate the air I breath the gift that I was given This is the only thing that gave my solace penned hope a million times in rhyme form and now the storm is gone Grateful for appreciative friends who shown me goals are worth the efforts I've invested that I'm better then my credit rating states I'm complicated boringly such basis makes the pain sip faster down my throat I feel lost without an anchor I want to change the world but I'm distracted by the characters within this chapter What does the world hold where do I go from here The futures blurry holding railing in the dark till I'm crystal clear Call me friend call me anything just call me up and we can do lunch Swap stories of our mistrust You think you know the lines between the story cause you read my lyrics miss There's so much within the margin that you missed Just a pinch I insist this is the only way I exist. (possibly)
6.
Memoir. 03:44
Dark clouds always follow me honest wish they'd back off reading pen drip on my notebook I'm lost typecast as a halo feel closed in watching doors for the moment they open I was the chosen, little did they notice I force feed happiness until my throat closes I can't help but lay hours in bed still awake pouring over letters I read it said: believe in desire your time is coming up and you need to be inspired yeah right, I lay alone bedside calling on the monsters in the closet to kill me tonight reading what I write by the moonlit streets we're always in company but hardly speak my outlook on this choice is bleak but I know how you needed to leave (Chorus) I hear the hairs on the back of my neck say with great pride your gonna do here this is your life I feel more alone with each song that I write waste away with me tonight Here's to core of the issues I'm invested in Sediments of flower beds dirt tangled underneath my skin Where to begin late nights riding shotgun until we watched the dawn come upon us Ne'er did I lose trust in us Discussed leaving bay state for a better place baby where'd you stay Today was day 3 your lips never leave I keep saying that its all just a dream feet feel planted my legs want to roam 
see I still smell your scent where I call my home Let down again, believe it gets better Friends say I need a change of the weather See the stars are always darkened on my doors step Argue by the moonlight Vent for a chance to see the sunset door locked and the phone stays silent No more middle ground for my environment Quiet as I write this maybe you will get it Change the outcome of interference your kiss is only memories Exit strategy be alone Write songs about the outcome within this hell hole Events stay crisp my heart skips steps death stays knocking inside my head Its all in the message you said I don't know what love is now and so I'm infected I wanted park bench chats laying in your arms length wise just to breath in your trap and there I'd find rest, there I'd find you sing songs till my face turns blue call mom to relay my news of the girl with the sunshine eyes who'd knew that I'd still miss walking up to an argument we fought passion on sunlit door steps I keep saying that I feel your kiss its just that I don't get it I can't remember bliss
7.
(Chorus) Ive been waiting on my time staring at the clouds in the sky press play fast forward then rewind not a thing seems to change so I'm I'm still waiting I'm still waiting my dad likes to argue bout the government a left leaning democrat with a gun fetish I've gorwn patient with his interests but lately I've been noticing the holes in his plot twists test the gas pedal, heavy metal I crashed my grandpas car the month that he let go I cried for hours in the street that night called my mother I couldn't let her know I died working dead end jobs that pay top dollar to this slob is so odd balled out of control when I was 21 spent each cent in my bank on the coming sun yo moon, let me holla for a few I know I got problems and real shit attitude but the crowd, I can move with each new song I relate to the problems of the world with each person that I meet I'm too focused on which words that I leak my breath feels heavy probably the reason that I can't find sleep in this entry please don't tempt me I know how to form poetry to make the world feel ugly women love me, but never in love so each path that I cross I stay uninvolved I've a couple skeletons up on my wall I need to clean my room before next fall I've got another train to catch y'all Ill be back just as soon as I learn how to break the mold my thoughts feel old I wanted more But I lost the keys now been in cruise control It's all I have please take my soul make good use of it, please take me home
8.
Detention. 01:41
When I rap I feel my soul uplifted turntables and a mic yeah the kids been gifted I write songs about myself some narcissistic but it's all truth every word that I’ve written listen to the sound can't help if I'm on point my flows are spectacular my views flip coins dopes not the right term I'm building a buzz ask around my neighborhood they used to know who I was a small timid kid I was into cartoons and spiderman grew a little bigger now its kick-flips and bike stands I get emails saying that I'm inspirational all I ever wanted was to scrap by on current bills make a living kid you’re living fantasy I've rocked 5 tours and 2 of them internationally I mean a gained a few fans shook even more hands got myself freed from the shackles of anxious chants your gonna be nothing stop wasting time here I was in Canada arguing about the year if fame is knocking best believe I'm gonna answer it I'm sick of passing up any chance of establishment don't get bent I'm gonna rep to the fullest push problems like it's alcohol bottom down doofus it's so useless trying be somebody else son catch at the merchant booth raising some hell talking smack on the message-boards acting a fool too rude for teacher everyday after school you could find me in dentition reading history books so shook from the glares that high girls took started writing rhymes when I couldn't produce looks and now I turn down women that want me for rap antics like, peace. I got a girl at home I gotta leave.
9.
I wanna blow up everything about this is so nuts driving round the town with Ill rappers what I came share stories from some caught wreck tonight me I slept on the floor money in my pocket, right iv been broke since I was sophomore girls slam doors cause of passions I wouldn't ignore and that's the cause to effect spending my rent on merchandise I hope at least to sell one shirt tonight it's so hard to be an artist when your starving I work 60+ hours a week it's retarded I've spent more time on a stage then I do with friends just to be specific more driving dead broke and everything I thought this world I’ve known has surprised me overanalyze the reasons run along the beachside the world tests me best believe I'll pass still make sure I have money for the tank to be filled (Chorus) we break bread with the ones above our heads take trips just to share a thought instead I just want you to listen maybe I'll find what's been missing I think its such a gimmick when you say you like to freestyle most emcees spit writtens in a cypher crowd I couldn't tell if you were being genuine when you asked how's it feel to be famous to know everyone in the scene I retort back basically it's like a small dream cause the truth not many give a shit about these thoughts occurring in my mind take time and you'll find that relaxing on concrete is good for the insides I wish I had the skills to believe in myself keep pressing fast toward when I need to run from hell verify my life dreams keep cropping on the storyboard will I break free from the threat of this cold I don't know desolate and cold often are descriptions but it's funny cause when I talk most people listen my bet friends keep telling me I'm on a blow soon but all I keep seeing are these four next to the recording booth
10.
I'm just seeing where fit in Between bus rides that call for my dividends Wheres the right track mom said to be on point when I want to make a statement in life Well alright my bike rolls down cobble stone blocks and one day I'm a get up on this rooftop And sign proud that I still have heart to continue when all I want to do with my life is stop Indecision’s mark miles on my lifeline fuck it I'm better then my high school budget I write songs when depression kicks in lend a hand cause I need help to push on through To the next few who think raps cool but just a hobby I meant to keep you waiting in lobby I can't seem to find to time to express my disinterest in people who neglect to accept me Been blessed with friends who need a shout out What up Diesel I see you in crowd now Some wanna be down me I skip semesters life's jesters even when I'm sad still Did I mention attention made me do this I ruin every good kiss with a laughter like this Ha I can't imagine any girl being down with the real me pressure makes skills dull still When you find joy building on those Lego blocks let go Don't force it revel in the moment Or moments Man I'm still finding happiness in keystrokes coping with anxiety issues I see through facades built guilted into leaving it alone still Stones gather moss when your on your own Steam mom says I never call that's because we don't understand each other at all But I appreciate my family for the talents that have landed me here OR at least to be so outspoken I write poems causing ripples in the ocean looking for some sort potion with an antidote to sort out Simple tasks like procrastination I waste time evaluating thoughts I scribbled in my notebooks Got a couple albums that are overdue to an insistence of a reason other then expressing feelings I've been reeling from depression Learning that a little bit happiness downgrades aggression My words are open thought giving what I got left Stitching back together memories of my what hearts kept There's no two ways about it I dabble with my doubts Situational depression let the sun out Seek more explore your surroundings For you never know what's jut around the corner from your bus stop You could find a pretty palace Haggle with landlord Learn that living less is almost always more It took awhile for excitement But I noticed Fighting for attention from the women Isn’t what's always gonna be let her leave if it's meant to build roots It will it shouldn't take the strength of your will power I was coward when I move here My path isn't clear yet The white picket fence is a damn mess And maybe this is all ill really get Messages from exes that they never meant to leave yet They stay gone Im better off anyway Dismantling the reasons that I live the lies I do today Here's to poor folks dead broke rent gone Trying to decide what path they need to move along My theory on poverty is this If you got love in your heart you better than the 99 percent existing Isn't it a trip to see your friends just coexist with people that don't give a shit about feelings other then their own 2 cents shared well I do, that's why write songs about me and only share the truth In my youth I used think that every girl I ever dated was the best that I could get so when the complications came and I should've left I stayed press on, I admit now that process is probably wrong
11.
The way I move words keeps listeners goals that I set get met with a grimace isn't it odd that I can't make rent being fed funds furthers my goal for a new sing along friends think fate is the reason that I don't quit I live for love I wallow in my fits self esteem sleeper cell phone screamer the heart beats eager for a meager meal so why did I come to this basement I'm 5 years older than most of the patrons my teen years kept most fears at a slow pace I didn't drink till well past the due date the experience of bathroom peering and finding yourself ass naked near a toilet is something I avoided probably for good measure but I still need closure so since I avoided all forms of what some call fun im in a basement staring at sludge trying to shift from the pitched noises that my Dj would somehow have learned to flip I can't see 5 feet in front of me the rooms so crowded with smoke filled lungs while some start tumbling I find stress on a couch, I'm surrounded by strangers I need to get out anxiety attack on time what's next build a big deal about the situation in your head if I die here god or whoever is in charge, please bury my belongings in the back yard I should be at home recording new vocals instead of this appearance in another world local I'm a joke in my own mind based on impressions from friends I pretend to obtain in the industry all of these thoughts at the forefront Notch carved on determination and dumb luck so why am I still such a loner in this lost world I welcome change in the form of a girl moved from a city that forgot what it means to build a foundation on your dreams while means don't meet the end I stand with friends pretend that somehow rap music will be there. (But It Won't)
12.
I see little white lies in your eyelids Letters written in your skin that I'm accustomed to Why fight it Cause It's not enough to give in to the lust from a friend That's been up to this point so honest Atleast so Modest I mean that Your outline is a measurement of time lapsed I fall back to where we use to be To believe I could change all the little things in you and me Can't see what what's all about now Clouds hover too proud some figure out how Which road to grow down but I'm still lost Last kiss still sealed with a finger crossed I saw beauty in your company You saw escape in the air that we breath Inhale deep watch as the rain drops fall flat Small sips big gasp (Chorus): Oh, Oh, is this what you call falling Oh, Oh, is this what you call danger Oh, Oh, is this what you call madness you say darling don't tow that line, if that's all there is to that. Falling is fine I only see sunshine in your morning breath Turned fear Into wine washed down my regrets The impression that your lips left Intent spelled in my skin Send damage my condolences We don't speak like we used to It's like dreams are at truce too I just want what I had under moonlight sky Retrace life Maybe you are right and the formula is wrong But I can't take your name from my songs So say what you want for the last time And I will let go Pain is one syllable but it moves so slow I had a hand forced gate closed run from your reason Letters spelled out what's the meaning Why so anxious didn't you envision this honestly Could you expect me to leave it alone So roam if you need spread wing pretty bird Let the sky be the canvas and paint with your words I know a place where it's safe to let loose my room keeps your memory a tomb my heart sings subtle notes last time we spoke I was dead cold leaked a little more then I should yes I know where you're heading it's just an entrance don't forget which way toward the exit the strategy was reality on bender knee knew the outcome no matter what the tragedy I still hold close ghosts from our fortnight formed a bitter bond with my own two hands no need for the details anymore I left a note on your floor till my nails became raw if the light shines bright you can read outloud how a man fell for a gypsy
13.
THEGOODLYFE. 02:32
To the people in my past life who couldn't come to the conclusion and give it a try I dedicate the sweat I made during sessions to you I wish you were still here to celebrate it too so many knew, what I wanted to do and each one of them perceived that I wasn't built for this. True, but I sucked it up, flipped a couple jobs, hit the road and showed the crowd the reason that they should applaud yes, I'm not famous by any means I've got big dreams, swimming in a deeper stream sometimes when you're drowning all alone is when you find hope that little sliver to your self control I remember driving avenue to park place searching for your fine face, never did I find grace they say she left the day I took off and haven't heard a word since, she left me with this postcard it said nobody's going get you like I did we were playing games and you never understood it and so I wished upon a shining star somewhere in the Midwest that my request gets met people say I'm odd, too strange for my age range crazy cause I feel the same way about your brainwaves how do you maintain, day after day after shift after shift the same cycle of bullshit 10 years pass, I'm not going to reunions and explaining why my movement hasn't made an improvement I hate what I'm doing except writing these damn songs you know you're probably right we won't get along looking back on each class interaction I learn a little more about the person that I photographed I never smile in pictures the only reason is I'm scared to, bad luck is my friend and he don't get the clues that I'm happy makes my brain hurt moments when I'm laying by the park with my people no shirt no socks, no connection to the world except your thoughts exploring every crevice that you pick apart I know my skills an art, painted on a canvas learning through your word choice the next interaction and I'm glad because people are so damn beautiful and one day soon you're going learn the truth but until then, find me on my bicycle running every red lights dodging every obstacle dying for the phone to display your name it's ok, I've got some time left I can wait
14.
They keep saying, "home is where the heart is" My heart is buried underneath elaborate forms of garments tucked in between a rooster crowing in the morning and a dog that stays silent during warning storms morning when the day breaks, saints say "get up, let's make it" "You've got a steady job and a beauty for the makeshift" "I know the growing pains place blame on the landscape but damn" "just take a look around I swear its ok" "the girl you keep close holds quotes above her bed post" "and in the morning well, you can see, she won't let go" "afriad of telling her the realest thoughts that you've ever known" "but hey, that's the way it goes" living on the east coast, these folks know about the backroads the small steps forward when it's snowing 10 degrees below frozen in a flummox, choice chosen at the door stay home and complain that its raining in the morning I make complaints about my journey in the city a lack of luxury, hear me jury I'm used to being targets for pedestrians, angry on commute dodging 4 wheels on my own 2 return to the scene for a clue where I went wrong it happens to be falling fast asleep after dawn I make small waves stay steady with the current tides might bring a change and I'm nervous, please hear me out I've been on a better path, learning more than I ever have before using better math clashing with the colors, leaving even less to rummage but I swear to whoever that I'm honest most want to say I'm obnoxious, what do they know probably enough to write a book and get paid slow I can't help reaching for the reason at the bottom of a bucket I heard about the gold but where's the sun chips? dear sister where art thou?

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released July 31, 2014

Mainly mixed by: DJ Benny (djbenny.bandcamp.com)
All Lyrics by: H.W.
Beats by various people.

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H.W. Boston

A collection of a person going through their growing pains.

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